The Restaurant at the End of Third Impact
Well here it is... as suggested by Tom Rothamel...

The even sillier sequel to _Life, the Universe, and Evangelions_:


         The Restaurant at the End of Third Impact.

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Ford Prefect was bored.

This didn't happen much, at least to him.
Arthur had insisted on visiting the man in charge of the universe again.  Ford could
not figure out why, especially since the old man himself didn't know what he was doing.
But here they were, knocking politely on the door...

As the door creaked open, Ford imagined what would happen if he and Arthur critically interrupted
the old man's decision making process. Then he reminded himself that the book
he carried was emblazoned with the words "Don't Panic".

It didn't help.

As Arthur politely knocked on the door, calling, "Visitors... may we speak with the head
of the household?" like some sort of galactic door-to-door salesman...

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Asuka was standing outside the door to her/Shinji's/Misato's/Pen^2's apartment, trying to break it
in with her bare fists. Thanks to a freak space hole, she heard Arthur's voice perfectly clearly,
as well as the knocking, and even Ford's "We're in trouble... I just know it... we're in trouble."  

Asuka looked around, her fist still braced against the door.  Just then, Shinji arrived, palming
the internal door switch.  Asuka fell forward, landing with a muffled thump inside the frame, and
quickly stood up yelling "Baka Shinji!!! Don't you know not to open a door someone's leaning
against?!?!!! Indeed!! Sheisskopf!!!..."

Shinji backed away from the torrent of abuse, not even willing to mention the fact that
Asuka's pounding had caused the door only to be able to retract 3/4 of its normal width, held in
place now by a rather sizable dent.  "Some things never change..."
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The _Guide_ has many things to say on the internal workings of the Universe. One of them concerns
the fact that, at random times, a warp in the fabric of space/time will open and carry sounds
to some other place in the universe.  Holes such as these have been known to start wars, cause
cities to burn, and on at least one occasion has resulted in an entire planet's population
changing their religion to worship of cheese wedges.
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The old man stood at the door, appraising his guests.  Finally, he recognized them, and
surprisingly said, "Ah, now I remember... come right in! It's rest day!Just sitting down to
watch some tapes... gotta catch up on the action, you know."

"Rest day?" Arthur and Ford asked incredulously, in stereo...

"Yes, of course -- I take one every seven days, to make sure I don't tire myself out."

"Rest day?"(stereo again)

"Come now, you must sit down..." To the guests' surprise, there was now a sizable couch, bean bag
chair, 80-inch TV screen, complete video system (DVD, LD, VHS, etc...) where there had been a
modest cottage setting.  The cat jumped into the old man's arms as he flopped back, petting it
gently with his left hand while reaching for the remote with his right...
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The inhabitants of Misato's apartment watched in amazement as lunch quietly prepared itself,
ate itself, then disappeared before the kitchen resumed its normal appearance.  Simultaneously,
both Shinji and Asuka "remembered" that they needed to go meet their friends, and bolted
out the (still stuck in place) door.  

Misato stood, her jaw dropped, watching for anything else.  PenPen waddled to the fridge, eyed a
beer quizzically for a moment, took it, and returned to his freezer.
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Arthur and Ford watched the screen in amazement, as an episode of Dragonball Z flashed past their
eyes...
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After the episode of DBZ, the old man turned to the two and said, "Could you open that box, behind
you? My new tapes are in there."
Arthur and Ford complied, believing in the old man's inability to willfully kill the
universe.  They pulled out a tape, staring at the title. It read, "Neon Genesis Evangelion;
Genesis 0:05:0.5"
The old man calmly popped it into the VCR, and turned it on, oblivious to Ford's and Arthur's eyes
popping out of their sockets.
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The _Guide_ has many editing processes.  Somewhere in the middle of revising an article, some
nit-witty editor took the comment "The ruler of the universe is a fan of Anime" as a serious
helpful comment, and edited it out as all bland comments are done, rather than the interesting
tidbit it was meant to be.  According to Booblefrinx's third law of the Universe, "When a
bureaucracy is involved, anything that could possibly go right will go wrong, and anything
that should go wrong has a 50% chance of going right."  Therefore, stupid stuff like this
happens all the time.
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Arthur sat watching the characters in Evangelion, mildly surprised by a sudden outburst from Rei
(Of course, it may have been provoked... Asuka was bad-mouthing Shinji yet again).  He murmured,
"Sure wish I could go back, and visit them for a while."

The old man's ears perked up.  "What did you say? We can go visit them? Let's GO!"

Ford hung his head as the old man pranced out the door towards the Heart of Gold. "Did you
really have to mention that? What if we've critically interrupted the universe? What if
Eccentrica Gallumbits and Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters no longer exist?"
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Rei sat silently in her room.  Not even a call from Cmdr. Ikari could get her away -- she was
having the worst bad hair day ever.  Instead of being its normal blue, her hair had turned
rainbow hues, and was continuing to shift every few moments to a new color.

Just then, a very familiar klaxon went off.
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Shinji, Touji, and Kensuke were all sitting around a table, eating take-out Ramen from some new
place called "Anything Goes School of Takeout Cuisine".  Although they had been quite surprised to
see the young woman in a bridal dress deliver the food, they were now agreeing that it was the
best they had had in a while (last night being Misato's turn to cook and her usual invitation for
friends to eat over).  As they finished their meal and sat watching TV (DragonBall Z was on), a
very familiar alarm sounded.

Shinji ran out the door, Touji following (hoping maybe it was because Eva-03 had been regrown...
he'd decided, for that day at least, that it would help his sister to remain a pilot). Kensuke
grabbed his camera, took a look out through his zoom lens, then ran after Shinji and Touji.
"Guys, wait up!!"

Touji and Shinji slowed down enough so that he could catch up. "You're not going to believe this,
guys -- the siren is because the Heart of Gold has been spotted again."

"Arthur and Ford?"

"Yep.  And from the flight path, Ford's at the wheel again."
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The _Guide_ has, indeed, a section on proper handling of spacecraft.  It goes approximately
like this;

If you want to pilot a spaceship, go to some spacefaring world and join their vacuum navy academy.
This may take between 6 and 15 years to graduate from, depending on how advanced they are.
If you can't do this, remember; keep a firm grip on the control stick, avoid running into anything
larger than your shields can handle, and NEVER enter a planetary atmosphere at a steep angle: It's
bound to do damage when you hit ground.  Try to land by circling.

Supplementary: It is not the normal hitchhiking way to pilot a spacecraft.  The point of
hitchhiking is to get there while somebody else is driving.  However, in absence of qualified
pilots, the scared masses usually turn to the hitchhiker to pilot it, as he's supposed to be able
to do anything. Therefore, at least try to appear as if you know what you're doing.

It is also interesting to note that Ford had chosen to dive down at 60 degrees towards Tokyo-3, and
was doing his usual loop-the-loop and barrel rolls coming down.
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Three Evas stood in perfect triangular layout, waiting to see the ship come crashing down at them
again, and also to stop it from plowing all the way to Central Dogma if it crashed.

Over Asuka's intercom, a window popped up.  It was Shinji. "You braced and ready?"
Rei's window answered "Hai".  For some reason, "Wonder Girl" had arrived with a shawl over her
head, and had refused to take it off until she was in the plug.  She had then turned her windows to
voice only.  "Odd of the little freak," Asuka thought, "but then, for her, who's to tell normal?"
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The Heart of Gold flipped through the atmosphere, both Arthur and the Ruler of the Universe
trying desperately to hold on to their lunches, Ford yelling "Yee-hawww" as the ship spiraled
through Earth's atmosphere. The Evangelions tensed up, 01 and 02's AT fields deploying, 00's
getting about halfway out and stopping.

Misato's voice came over the NERV window, "02 and 00, switch positions.  Rei, try and concentrate,
please."

Asuka thought to herself, "Finally, Wonder-Girl shows her true abilities - ha!"

Just as Unit 00's AT field finally expanded fully, the ship did something really surprising and
landed.  Perfectly. Flawlessly.  Unit 02, over-bracing itself in expectation of catching the
fast-moving object, fell forward and landed facedown in the hillside.  Asuka's image suddenly
switched off from view, as her omnipresent audio channel simply conveyed a slight sobbing noise...
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A door opened in the side of the ship, and Shinji was surprised to see not two, but four figures
emerge.  One appeared to be carrying a cat.

The old man looked up at Eva-01.  "Impressive! So tall and powerful!"

A voice (Misato's) came out from the speakers on the sides of the Eva. "You've returned, already?
I thought you weren't going to do that any time soon."

Arthur yelled back, "Well, we ran into a good reason to come back.  Can we explain indoors?"

Eva-01's hands came down. "Hop on -- I'll carry you there." came Shinji's voice.

Eva-00 calmly (yet somehow not quite normally) walked over, picked up Eva-02, and plugged its
power cord back in.  Eva-02 somehow managed to frown, even through the facial armor, then stalked
off towards the nearest lift.
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In a meeting room, Ford, Arthur, Misato, Kaji, Gendou, Fuyutski, Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Ritsuko,
and the old man were sitting around a table. Rei was back in her shawl, and bowing her head very
low as well.

Misato broke the ice first, asking, "Wait a minute... weren't there four of you?"

"Four of us..." murmured Arthur, "... Quick! Didn't you say last time you had some sort of super-
computers here?"

"Yes, why?"

"Shut them down, immediately! They're in danger!"

Gendou and Ritsuko rose to their feet. "WHAT?!?!"

Ford and Arthur just looked at each other and said, "Marvin."
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The _Guide_ says something about androids, and especially about an old project which produced
androids and mechanica with personalities.  A footnote to this, placed by one Ford Prefect, takes
note of a particularly bad android hereafter referred to as "Marvin" to avoid the length of saying,
"Marvin the Paranoid Android".

The Guide notes that Marvin, as a factory reject, came out manically depressive instead of
depressingly over-cheerful.  As such, he should be kept away from all semi-intelligent mechanica
such as computers, as his theories on life could very well cause them to suicide.
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Ritsuko ran to a screen, and began typing.  Gendou was on the intercom, yelling, "Shut down all
terminals and input stations in the city! Now!"  

All of a sudden, the screens in the conference room lit up with the words, "I'm depresssed."

Then they went black.

"Got it." said Ritsuko.  "He was at the secret entrance near the restaurant district.  NERV
personnel are getting him now."

Ford piped up at that moment with, "So, if anybody's interested in meeting the supreme ruler
of the universe..."

Gendou fainted.
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The group had returned to the Heart of Gold, to go and get lunch.  Again, it had been at the old
man's request, "I know a great place to go.  Here," he said, handing out a brochure which read,
"The Anything Goes School of Super Saiyan Take-out Cuisine."  Underneath, in smaller letters,
were the words "and Okonomiyaki Bar."

Ford powered up the ship, and away they went.
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Re-entering Earth's atmosphere 20 years later, the Heart of Gold came screaming down to be stopped
by a somehow still-functioning Eva-01, and was set down right next to a largish-looking dojo.

"Here we are," Ford cried, and hopped towards the door with the old man.  The others walked
slowly out, and looked at what had caught them.

A femalish voice, from the Eva, said, "Enter -- please.  But do try to land next time, so you
don't scare everyone like that."

As Gendou reached the door, a giant finger descended behind him and flicked him into the opposite
wall.
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Shinji rounded the corner, and bumped right into -- Shinji.  A very much older, taller, muscular,
and happier-looking Shinji.

"So, I see you've met mom.  Well, come this way -- as long as you're here, lunch for your group
is on `us'."

"Mom?"

"Yeah -- mom.  Yui Ikari's soul "woke up" in Eva-01 after Third Impact; the Tendo group and the
Saiyans were off-planet at the time.  When they got back, they found me and Asuka, and offered to
let us join up with them.  We've got a lot of things rebuilt, especially with mom's help. Oh, yeah,
you didn't bring dad, I hope."

Right then, Vegeta walked up, saying "I assume the stiff is with you... where you want him placed?"

"Put him by the largest booth -- they're here for lunch."

"Never seen Yui quite that mad at anyone.  What'd he do?"

"He's our dad." both Shinji's replied.

"Whoa... sorry."

Vegeta wandered off, Gendou slung over his shoulder, muttering, "I'm too nice..."
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Older Shinji, Older Asuka, and the rest were seated around the table, eating okonomiyaki,
Gendou by this time awake enough to ask, "what hit me?"

"So, tell me again about Third Impact," Ford said through a full mouth, bringing out his
personal copy of the _Guide_.

"Well... Rei united with Lillith, everything went black, and the next thing I knew I was waking up
next to Asuka.  Eva-02 littered the beach, and mom (that's Eva-01) walked out of the sea about
an hour later."

"Hrrmm... anything else?"

"Actually, yes -- it turned out that the power sources for the MP Evas were none other than eight
DragonBalls, roughly half of two different sets.  That's what brought the Saiyans back.  For
some reason, the Tendo group had gone with them into space, probably to escape yet another of
Ranma's supposed fiancees and to train yet again."

"Interesting."

"Yes, well... I suggest you hide dad, when you return to the ship.  Mom wasn't all too
happy about everything he did while she was dormant in Eva-01."

"I had sort of guessed that.  So, what happened to the DragonBalls?"

"We've still got them around here, somewhere.  Nobody can figure out what to wish for, so they're
not getting used yet. Also, the Saiyans are pretty sure that Shenlong, the great dragon, is going
to be mad if they wake him up yet again, so soon."

"And, so that I can put this down, for future hitchhikers... who cooks this fantastic okonomiyaki,
and how much can they expect to pay for it?"

"Oh, that's Ukyou.  She used to be one of the fiancees, but she quit because it was more fun
being friends with Ranma.  Right now, she's wondering if she'll ever find a male, especially
with the current world population. Pricing... make us an offer.  Mostly, we need tools and/or
raw materials.  "
At that moment, the old man finished his food, and said, "well, that was good, and it's been great,
but I really should get home now... Thank you, everyone." He vanished.

"Anyhow," Ford continued, "One thing I'm sure everyone would like to know -- what exactly was the
second Angel?"

"I can answer that," Gendou piped up, now almost fully recovered. "It appeared on our radar, gave a
blue signal, and seemed to be only about the size of a basketball.  It approached Tokyo-3, but when
it was almost at the edge of the city it disappeared.  We never did find out what it was."

Rei's quiet voice piped up with, "I know where it is."

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted

"I know.  I'm holding it."

Sure enough, the eyes of the old man's cat were looking exactly like the eyes of an awakened
Evangelion. A purple fist crashed through the roof, picking up the cat by the scruff of the neck,
and carrying it away. The other fist reached down, grabbed Gendou, and then Eva-01 disappeared
as everyone look around in amazement. Sounds of "Oh no! My fine china!!!" came from somewhere else
in the house as the tremors caused by an Evangelion running at full speed hit the house.

Vegeta, Goku, Trunks, and Goten flew down, saying, "Come on, we'd better follow her."
Everyone piled on to the house's porch, the Saiyans grabbed the corners, and the group flew
off in the direction the Eva had gone. Ford was quietly researching the _Guide_, mentally
resolving to see about getting all the editors fired. Again.
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When the group caught up to Eva-01, it was sitting, with Gendou and the cat huddling in front of
it.  Yui was screaming, "For THIS I got absorbed into some ugly monster? To protect the city
from a wierd-looking CAT?"

Eva-01's fist crashed down on the cat.  An AT field popped up, and the cube of dirt surrounding
the cat was driven another 6 inches into the earth.  

Rei ran over, picked up the cat, and yelled, "Stop!!! Don't hurt it!!"

Everyone's eyes opened in amazement. Not at Rei showing emotion, though that was remarkable
enough. Her shawl was loose, and the chromatically shifting hair was showing.

Young Shinji walked up, and said, "So that's what you were hiding? Rei, it's beautiful."

Asuka walked up and tugged on it.  As Rei yelped in pain, Asuka said, "Wow, and it's real, too..."

While Yui watched that scene, Goku quietly airlifted Gendou back to the Heart of Gold,
admonishing him to stay inside. With him gone, Yui calmed down, enough so that the rest (with the
exception of older Shinji and Asuka) were able to leave.  
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When the ship landed once more in Tokyo-3, Rei was refusing to give up "her" cat.  

"Rei, don't you realize you can't bring it with you? It's an Angel!!" cried Gendou.

"I don't care -- I like it."

"You can have another cat, if you like"

"I don't want another cat! This one is like me!"

Ford quietly slipped his towel over Rei's eyes, took the cat away with his other hand, handed it
to Arthur, then took back his towel.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

"He needs to go home, Rei.  His litter box is back there."

Rei meekly quit crying, but reached over and pulled Shinji towards her, nearly squeezing the
life out of him. Asuka began attempting to pry him out of Rei's arms.

Gendou, Misato, and Ritsuko pushed the three pilots out the door, saying, "Please, feel free to
come back, anytime -- as long as neither the cat nor its master is with you!"

Ford sat down, and punched the launch button.
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Thanks so far to:
Tashi Nagato (expansion)
Addison Godel (expansion, clarification, grammar)

My girlfriend, Amy Kaczmarowski, who convinced me to actually do this sequel, and
who supports me in all of my literary efforts.