The Kraut, The Bartender, and The Drunkard
The Kraut, The Bartender, and The Drunkard
     by:Al-I-Bus (

Disclaimer: Evangelion is owned by Gainax in affiliation with Tokyo Tv and
NAS. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly is owned by MGM Studios. No offense
intended to anyone who finds the title to be offending.

First off, go read anything by my man Chenalos. Entry Plug Trilogy, or "
Fan Fiction" two great works on Eva.

" What is this shit? Third Child?" Asuka was whining again.

It was a quiet Saturday night in Tokyo-3. No angel attacks, no major
occurances of angst, no raids of the apartment by boys overloaded with
hormones, and no tests of any sort on this evening. To celebrate their
freedom over Nerv, aliens, and friends for at least one night; Misato,
Shinji, and Asuka decided to celebrate by ordering out and renting a movie.

Shinji decided to try and apease Asuka, anything was beter than hearing her
whine the whole evening.

" It's a western film, you know, cowboys, guns, horses. That sort of
thing." Her scowl darkened considerably as she struck back with another

" It better not be an American movie! It's not is it?" Shinji released a
sigh of relief, he didn't have to weasle his way out of this one.

" The movie was made in Italy. Just watch it you'll enjoy it I swear"

Misato watched the pair bicker, amusement coloring her face (that and two
six packs of Yebisu). She decided that she couldn't let this opportunity
pass. " So are you two gonna fight like this when you get married?" Two
empty soda cans came flying at her head and, in attempting to duck, Misato
slipped on some papers and landed hard on her rear end.

Seeing that Asuka was now giggling, Shinji selected this as the best time
to insert the movie.

*2 hours 41 minutes later*

" You're gonna pay for making me sit through that third child! Mark my
words...." Asuka shot him the "glare of death" as she tramped off to her
room. She had actually enjoyed the movie, but she couldn't let Shinji know
that he did something right. Think of all th trouble that could cause.

Shinji merely shrugged at Asuka's threat, the glare did cause him to gulp
though. He got up from his position on the floor and stretched. Walking
over to Misato, who had been out after the opening credits, he helped her
up and they stumbled and slipped to her room.


Asuka couldn't sleep. " It's cuz of that stupid movie" she grumbled to
herself. She fought the urge to kick in the door to Shinji's room and pound
him senselessly for making her sit through that movie. Although sitting on
the floor next to Shinji, feeling his warmth, hearing his soft breathing,
wasn't as unplesant as she had expected.

" Geez you're pitiful Shoryu, you even lie to yourself. And here you are
talking to yourself again instead of catching up on all that sleep that you
lose thorughout the week." She slammed her head repeatedly against the

In the process of her slamming, one of her arms fell asleep, causing her to
lose her balance. As luck would have it, she was on the downswing when this
occured, and her head struck the hard floor next to her futon. Colorful
stars burst into her field of view, before they melted into inky darkness.


The sun was shinging, it was HOT, there was sand all around, and Misato was
riding next to her on a horse. Nothing seemed to be out of...wait a

Asuka turned back to Misato. Sure enough the violet haired beauty was
bouncing up and down as her horse, a sleek blue version of the newest
updated model, trotted next to her. Asuka looked down. Yup her bedroom had
turned into a desert..and the ceiling had been replaced by a sun-drenched
blue sky.

" You okay Kraut?" Asuka's head whipped around to the source of the voice.
At first she thought Misato's horse had spoken, but when Misato asked her
agian she realized who it was.

" W-W-W-What did you call me just now?"

Misato peered into Asuka's eyes for a moment. " Maybe you hit you're head
when you fell off the horse."

Asuka blinked, ok now she was confused. " Fell of the horse? I've never
been on a horse in my life, well except for now, and if I had been, do you
think that I, the great Asuka Langley Shoryu would fall off?"

Misato grinned.. " Of course..I almost forgot, the ground broke right?"

She chuckled a bit before having her horse break into a gallop. Asuka
stared at her back as it began to dwindle from view. Realizing she had no
inkling of where she was, Asuka spurred her own horse on and tried to keep


" Gimme anuda!" Misato was drunk again. She slammed her glass down on the
bar, and look in astonishment as it shattered in her hand.

" Ummmm.. maybe you've had enough little lady." the bartender began to
brush the pieces of glass of the bar into the wastebasket, when Misato
stuck her ..45 caliber revolver under his nose.

" I've had enuff when I say I've had fill anuda one up!" The
bartender gulped and complied.

Outside Asuka was trying to stop her horse before it sent her crashing into
the wall. She yelled "WOAH!" and got no response. She dug her spurs into
its side, only causing it to speed up. Finally, seeing the wall of the inn
approaching rapidly, Asuka gave up and leapt from her horse into a trough
filled with water.

She surfaced sputtering to find herself the center of the town's amusement.
Then she noticed that the guys weren't laughing. She looked down and saw,
to her horror, that her white shirt, had not only become parially see
though, but had shrunk considerably. Blushing a furious red she pulled her
parka around her shoulders and strolled into the bar as if nothing had

The bartender was busy sweating as he was faced with a dilemma. He was
trying to avoid staring at the gun in Misato's hand, as well as trying not
to look down her shirt, which was displaying more than ample cleavage. His
attention was thankfully diverted when a red head sat down at the bar and
ordered a coca cola.

" Excuse me? I don't think I heard you correctly." Asuka looked up, ready
to explode on the bartender when she found herself glaring into the darkest
pair of blue eyes that she had ever seen. They were so dark that they could
have easily been called brown. She had only seen eyes like that on one
other person in all of her life.

" Shinji!" she burst out, " Phew! Shinji! What's going on? This isn't
right? I fell asleep in my room and then woke up in......" she trailed off
as she noticed him staring at her as if she was crazy.

" Ma'am what can I get you to drink?" Her jaw dropped. Then the lightbulb
flashed on in her mind. Well if this wasn't Shinji then she could have a
little fun...

She undid her parka and told him to choose a drink. He didn't move for a
moment as he noticed the condition of the shirt under Asuka's parka.
Noticing his gaze Misato put her gun under his nose again.

" OK wiseass! I've had enough out of you. You're coming with us...we'll
teach you how to treat a lady." Asuka tried to protest but she was cut off
by the, ' this is an order' glare. Shrugging she followed Misato out of the
bar to where their horses were tethered..well Asuka's red mare had
meandered over there after flinging her skyward.

Misato mounted her blue steed and waited for Asuka to get on hers. Asuka
motioned for Shinji to mount first (She can't ride remember!) Shinji and
Misato looked at her, puzzlement written on their faces.

" I can keep a better eye on him" Asuka remarked. Shinji shrugged
and mounted the horse. He reached down and offered Asuka a hand in getting
up, which she ungraciously declined. After plummeting to the ground three
times, Asuka decided that she would take Shinji up on his offer afterall.
He pulled her up onto the saddle and she wrapped her arms around his waist.
He kicked the horse in the ribs and they were off.


Asuka was having trouble. The feeling of Shinji held in her arms was
causing her to lose herself into the moment on a few occasions. She nearly
toppled off the horse several time during the ride. Add to this that she
had a vibrating animal bucking and rearing betwen her legs, and her
breatsts pressed up agiainst Shinji's back. Her nipples had become erect,
and she was getting shock treatment, each time the horse came down.
Finally, she simply rested her head on his back.


On the way to their hideout, which was the destination Misato had selected
as being appropriate for Shinji's " teaching and disciplining" the trio
stumbled upon th skeltal remaints of a cabin.

" Hey stop for a second...may be money inside." Misato shouted above the
roar of the horses. In a fluid motion she brought the horse to a stop and
leapt down from the saddle. By the time she landed her gun was drawn and
she was approaching the cabin.

Shinji's dismount was similar, but Asuka, who had fallen asleep due to the
comfort and security she felt with Shinji, simply fell once her support was
gone. She hit the sand hard and rolled over. Gasping for air she surged to
her feet and reached out to strike Shinji in the head. Just before she
could Misato beckoned for them to be quiet and motion for her to draw her
gun, which she did.

A noise emanated from the cabin, and a shadow crawled towards the door
frame.. Misato pulled back the hammer on her revolver and the crawling
fiugre froze.

" Wait, I have information..." a voice floated weakly to them. " Two
hundred thousand in gold, and I know where." At that Misato had her gun
away instantly. She and Shinji sprinted forwards towards the cabin only to
find Asuka already in conversation with the man.

" Thanks Fuyutsuki, I always thought you were just an old fart. You're all
right." She backed up and let Misato approach him....


The three stood in the hideout later that night, well two stood, Shinji was
tied and gagged in a chair so he was just there. Fuyutsuki had given them
each a clue as to where the treasure was hidden. The problem was that he
had given Shinji one of the clues also.

" Look, I'm for leaving him here till we get back, or killing him now."
Misato stated. She then reached for her gun as if it was final. Asuka
stammered desperately to stop her.

" N-n-no Misato! he has a clue. He comes with us."

The two argued for sometime before agreeing that they would bring Shinji
along, and let him have a share. Secretly they planned to steal it from him
later, but Shinji was pleased right now. The ride to the hideout had made
him very happy, and he was thinking about the prospect of spending more
time with the red head.


"I'm hot...I'm tired..and I need a bath!" Askua was whining again. Misato's
eyebrow twitched as she reached her limit.

" If you don't shut up, God help me I'll blow your brains out!" She leapt
down form her horse and threw the red head to the ground. Asuka felt a
growl start to rise up her throat and she leapt up at Misato, hands

The two rolled around on the ground for a while, neither getting an
advantage on the other. Shinji, tired of wasting time, opened his canteen
and dumped some water on the two of them.

Asuka and Misato sat on the ground very wet, and glared at Shinji. " Way to
waste water baka!" Asuka screamed, pulling out her gun.

" I'm gonna kill you idiot..." Misato growled, drawing her gun also.

Shinji gulped. " Hey without me how are you gonna find the treasure?"

Asuka grinned wolfishly, " We're smart girls. I'm sure that we can find it
with two clues."

Misato nodded in agreement and cocked the hammer back. Seeing an opening
Shinji dug his spurs into the side of Asuka's horse and galloped away. He
ducked low to avoid the gunshots.

" Verdamnit! He's getting away, and we do need him for the clue! Come on.."
Misato sprang onto her steed, and pulled Asuka up behind her. They galloped
off following Shinji as quickly as they could.


The treasure sat on the ground, beckoning to be taken. Shinji stood to one
side, pistol drawn, one eye on the shimmering gold, the other on the girls
to his left and front.

Asuka stood in front of Shinji, her gun drawn as well. She had one eye on
The treasure, and with the other she was observing their situation. Her
right hand was under her poncho, seemingly harmless, but she was reaching
for a small sidearm....

Misato was quickly losing patience. She hated being in situations like
this. Her whole body screamed for action. Her .45 caliber revolver was
aimed at Shinji, but she knew Askua had her gun trained on her.

The three stood motionless as the sun rose higher and higher in the sky. A
wind blew and Asuka's hat was blown off. The sudden motion startled Shinji
and Misato, who started firing. Asuka ducked behind a tombstone and began
to fire back.

Bullets riccochetted off graves and tombstones all over the graveyard, as
three cowboys, well one cowboy and two cow girls, well two cowgirls and a
bartender, fought over a sack full of gold in the middle of the graveyard.

They all reloaded at the same instant. In that moment a carraige drawn by
two white horses screamed into the center of the graveyard. The three
looked on in shock as a man jumped out of the carraige. He took three shots
at each tombstone, grabbed the money, and leapt back into the carraige.

" Kaji!!!" Misato screamed. She reloaded and fired all of her shots at the
carraige, but it simply faded away into the distance. " He makes me soooooo
mad!!!" Misato cursed and stomped.

" Well no need for you now bartender..." Misato turned her revolver on
Shinji and pulled the trigger. <CLICK> Shinji blinked, expecting oblivion,
but nothing happened. Misato pulled the trigger again...empty.

Growling she walked over to him and kicked him hard in the crotch. " I
guess that'll just have to do for now....."

Asuka sat there shocked. She had lost two hundred thousand dollars.... She
was mad now. Where was Shinji.

Slowly drew himself up to hs knees. His groin throbbing with pain. Through
his blurry vision he saw Asuka approaching him. She pulled out her gun,
took out a single bullet, loaded the pistol, and aimed it at him.

" Asuka, wait let's talk about it..Asuka..Asuka...Asuka...Asuka wake up!"
Her eyes snapped open and her head jerked up, right into Shinji's. He fell
back clutching his head in pain.

" OWWW Baka! What were you doing in my room, hentai! Help Misato Shinji's
being perverted again!!!!!!" She looked around and saw Misato standing
behind Shinji laughing. It's about time you woke up. Maybe you should be
more careful from now on, we wouldn't want you to slip of your futon and
bang your head again. How in the hell does someone fall out of a futon?"
Misato walked away, muttering to herself under her breath.

Shinji looked over at Asuka concerned. " Are you alright? There was a big
bang and a crack then we rushed in here and found you on the ground out
cold. I was so worried."

Asuka's look softened considerably, she felt warmth in her heart, then she
remembered her dream. She reached a hand up to Shinji, as if to caress his
face. He looked on in shock, and she slapped him hard.

" That's for costing me two hundred where's Kaji..He's
gonna answer to me for taking my funds...." She got up from the bed,
forgetting that she was clad only in a T-Shirt and panties, the T-shirt was
riding up on her.

" Hey Shinji come help me kill...Shinji? Shinji?" He was laying on the
floor, a puddle of blood leaking out of his nose. " Oh brother!" Asuka
moaned to herself. She shrugged and went into the bathroom.



Shinji opened his eyes. He was laying on his back, the sun was scorching
off of his head. He go up slowly and looked around. Sand. that was al he
coudl see. Sand, and a horse with a rider near him.

" I told you not to try that Shinji, boy you sure are stupid." Toji grinned
at him. " Come on man...I just heard a rumour about a couple hudred
thousand dollars buried in some graveyard."

Where am I wondered Shinji................

The END Really