No Need For Evangelion
No Need for Evangelions!
(A Neon Genesis Evangelion / Tenchi Muyo Meld)
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They
are a meld of Neon Genesis Evangelion and Tenchi Muyo TV,
with concepts from the Tenchi OAV series.
Chapter 1: No need for a Pilot!
"This is stupid," Tenchi thought out loud as he listened to a
recorded message on the state of emergency, "I shouldn't have
come here." His grandfather Yosho had requested that he come to
Toyko-3. While Tenchi had lost a lot of respect for him over the
years, he had to see if there was anything left of the good man he
had known before Tenchi's mother had died.
He pulled out the picture of the person he was supposed to
meet and studied it again. It was of a blonde woman in a JURAI
uniform with a big smile on her face, pointing to her cheeks. 'This
was the head of operations? She looks crazy.'
Suddenly, a sleek red sports car that had seen better days
pulled up to the curb with such an abrupt stop that the driver
banged her head on the dashboard. "Ouch."
Tenchi immediately recognized her as the woman in the
photo and jumped into the car as soon as the door was opened.
The reason for his haste was rapidly approaching with strides that
only Golaith could have matched.
"Hiya," the blonde said to him as she peeled out as if the
entire host of hell was chasing them, "You must be Commander
Ikari's grandson, Tenchi Ikari, right?"
Tenchi nodded, wondering how she could drive without
actually looking where she was going. Not that he would call it
driving per se, more like stomping on the accelerator and avoiding
obstacles on instinct. It made sense since the car looked like it had
gone through a demolition derby or two.
'Grandfather put her in charge?' The old guy must be more
far gone than Tenchi had previously thought.
"I'm major Mihoshi Katsuagi, but you can call me Mihoshi
"Sure," Tenchi said, "Miss Mihoshi, can I ask you a
She nodded without taking her eyes off him or slowing
down. Tenchi couldn't tell how fast they were going because the
speedometer wasn't working. Neither was the radio, the air
conditioner, or the brakes he imagined.
"What exactly is that huge thing that's blowing up the city
Tenchi couldn't help noticing the giant walking monstrosity
that was destroying buildings all over the place and had come close
to incinerating them a few times as well. Tenchi thought it was
funny, but he was sure that the monster looked like it was made of
wood, like a children's toy designed by H.R. Geiger. It was also
strange to think that if not for Mihoshi's insane driving habits they
might be dead already as she swerved to dodge blasts that made
craters in the road. She was either very lucky or a lot smarter than
Tenchi was giving her credit for.
"Oh, that's an angel. That's why JURAI exists you see. We
have to destroy those angels or it'll be the extinction of all
mankind." She said it as if she was talking about a show she'd seen
on TV last night. Tenchi had to wonder if she understood what the
word 'extinction' meant. But swerving in the wrong lane while
being pursued by a trigger-happy giant was not the time to discuss
such matters. Maybe she was from America and just didn't know
she was driving on the wrong side of the road. Being blonde,
tanned, and blue-eyed, she did look like what Tenchi expected an
American to be.
"You don't seem to be doing such a good job," Tenchi
commented as a missile whizzed by them, blowing up a
defenseless mailbox. There were all kinds of tanks and helicopters
shooting the bejuses out the angel, but didn't seem to be doing any
good. Tenchi was suddenly reminded of old Godzilla movies.
'Where was that big lizard,' he wondered, 'when you need him
anyway? Godzilla no baka.' He wondered if Gamera would be
listed in the phone book.
"That's just the UN. Conventional weapons can't hurt the
angels because they're protected by a LHW field."
"LHW? What's that?"
"Light Hawk Wings."
"Huh? Why is it called that?"
Mihoshi only shrugged as she swerved around a parked car.
Tenchi didn't even bother to ask why they had cut through a
parking lot doing around 90kph.
"Then why are they wasting all those missiles and bullets,
not to mention the helicopters and tanks the angel is trashing, if it
isn't going to do any good?" Tenchi asked, feeling that his
normally large supply of patience nearly exhausted by this blonde
stunt driver. And he thought Nemira had been strange.
Mihoshi only smiled and shrugged again in response.
Tenchi was starting to wonder if she knew anything about what
was really going on.
"Looks like a LHW field," Sub-commander Kiyone
commented, noticing how ineffective the UN's attack was.
"Yes," Commander Ikari agreed, doing that thing with his
glasses again, "Conventional weapons are no match for the
"Ah, was it wise to send out Mihoshi to pick up your
grandson?" Kiyone asked after a pause.
"She'll do fine. I have complete faith in her abilities."
'And what abilities are those?' Kiyone wondered. It was
only through dumb luck that she ever succeeded at anything. It
was a miracle that she passed college. Kiyone should know, since
she had had the misfortune to have been Mihoshi's roommate for
four years. She had a feeling that Mihoshi had only joined JURAI
to continue making her life a living hell. Kiyone would have quit
if she could have, but she was too deeply involved in what was
really going on. She was at a level that the retirement plan
included a bullet to the head and a free burial at sea.
"Goody! They're going to use an N2 mine!" Mihoshi
shouted with glee.
"What's that?" Tenchi asked, instantly worried by her
attitude. Anything she liked just had to be bad.
"N2 stands for non-nuclear, but it creates a really huge
explosion! We're so lucky to see them use one!" She was
practically dancing with joy.
"Aren't we a little close to the blast center then?" Tenchi
asked. The angel was pretty near them. Well, actually it was far
enough away that Tenchi could barely make it out without
Mihoshi's binoculars, but in his opinion that was close enough.
He'd seen the thing blow up whole buildings from further away
than they were.
"You might be right. That's not so good, huh?"
Tenchi didn't even get the chance to formulate a reply as a
huge explosion flipped their car over several times. Tenchi was
thankful that he'd skipped lunch or he'd be seeing it for a second
time as he felt his stomach lurch. It was even enough to make him
black out for a bit.
When he came to he found that his face was embedded
between two soft and warm somethings. It somehow reminded
him of being a child, before his mother had died. Tenchi slowly
opened his eyes to find himself imbedded in Mihoshi's rather
ample cleavage. He was able to get up and stop the resulting
nosebleed before Mihoshi had noticed anything.
"Waah! My car! Only 33 more payments to go! And my
favorite dress is ruined! Waah!" Mihoshi whined as she stood up
and surveyed the damage. Tenchi was a little surprised. 'Here they
had nearly been blown up and she was complaining about a few
scratches on her car?' Not that it was really noticeable with all the
scratches that had been there before the mine went off.
After a few tries, they managed to get the car right side up
again and Mihoshi resumed her normal driving habits, even though
there wasn't a angel following them this time. Tenchi made a
prayer for his own safety and a silent vow that he would make use
of public transportation during his stay in Toyko-3. He let out a
long repressed breath as they were loaded onto the car train.
Tenchi was impressed by the sheer scale of the Geofront,
and wasn't all that surprised when Mihoshi had gotten them lost.
He knew that even with a map he'd have a hard time finding his
way around, but still doubted he would pass the same place three
times in ten minutes.
"What are you doing Mihoshi?" Dr. Washu scolded the
directionally challenged head of operations as she joined them in
the elevator. "Don't you know we're short on time and manpower."
Tenchi found it strange to watch Mihoshi being
reprimanded by what looked to be a twelve year old girl with a lot
of red hair, wearing a pink bunny print bathing suit with a lab coat
'This was the head scientist? JURAI must have one strange
personnel department.' He wondered what the rest of the staff was
going to be like, then decided that he really didn't want to know.
Washu turned to notice Tenchi in the elevator and
proceeded to study him like he was an item she was considering
purchasing. "So, is this him?"
"Yes, according to the Marduk report, he's the third child."
Washu walked up to Tenchi, looked him straight in the eye
and said, "I like you. Do you want to be a genea pig for my
experiments?" and then proceeded to laugh in a deranged manner.
Even Mihoshi looked slightly embarrassed by this display.
Tenchi was beginning to realize that his life would have
been a whole lot easier if he had told his grandfather to shove it.
"Ahh!" Tenchi screamed as the lights came on again and he
found himself face to face with a . . . well a face he realized after a
moment of study. A huge, purple, robot's face. It reminded him of
his friend's actual size Gundam garage kit. Now that was
something that had taken a long time to put together. Washu
explained that this was the synthetic lifeform Evangelion, Unit-01,
but Tenchi wished that she had also explained her explanation.
What was a 'synthetic life form' anyway? Was it like something
that you leave in the refrigerator so long that it starts moving on its
own? His old sensei's wife had done that once.
"So this is my grandfather's work?" Tenchi asked her.
"Correct," a voice that wasn't Washu's rang out.
Tenchi looked up to the source of the sound to see his
grandfather. "It's been a while."
Tenchi mumbled that that was the understatement of the
"So you want for me to get in this thing and fight?" Tenchi
asked incredulously after his grandfather had explained 'the plan.'
"That is correct," Commander Ikari replied calmly, as
"Wouldn't it be a better idea to choose someone whose a
little more qualified? Like someone who had a god-damn clue on
how to pilot it!?"
"All you have to do is sit in it," Washu told him, "We don't
expect any more than that." Well, actually she did, but decided it
was better not to mention it at this time.
Mihoshi nodded encouragingly with that vacant smile of
hers that was anything but encouraging.
Tenchi did some rough math in his head. One city
destroying angel + one giant robot to fight said angel + one boy
who was supposed to be its pilot yet wasn't even old enough to get
a driver's licensee = a rather silly and pointless was to die.
"There is just no way I can do this!"
"Kiyone, wake up Aeka."
"Are you sure? She's still badly hurt from . . ."
Yosho cut Kiyone off by saying, "She's not dead yet."
Kyone mumbled about that being the understatement of the
century before cutting off the com link.
Tenchi watched as they wheeled out a strange purple-haired
young girl on a stretcher. She was covered in bandages and her
single uncovered red eye looked up at the ceiling vacantly. They
wanted her to pilot? Tenchi couldn't believe it, she looked barely
able to move.
Then the room was rocked by a sudden explosion,
knocking Aeka from the stretcher and tearing away the supports for
the beams above her. Without a thought to his own safety, Tenchi
raced over to her, planning to protect her with his own body, from
a blow that would never fall.
"Unit-01 has activated Light Hawk Wings!" a worker
announced unnescarially after the shield had appeared over the two
children like three petals of a white rose, only enormous in size.
The heavy beams bounced off the shield as if they were made of
rubber, narrowly missing crushing both Tenchi and Aeka.
"But the android plug wasn't even inserted," Washu
complained, "That just can't happen!"
Commander Ikari only smiled as he watched the three
glowing marks on his grandson's forehead vanish. It was all going
according to plan. Well, sort of, he didn't actually plan on the
beams falling, but it worked out for him anyway.
Tenchi cradled Aeka in his arms as he shook his head to
clear it. What had just happened? There was a bright light and
then . . . something? . . . someone? . . . he couldn't remember.
He cursed his grandfather under his breath as he looked
down at the girl covered in thick bandages. How could he expect
her to pilot when she was clearly in pain? Damn it, he knew that
this was only some trick of his grandfather's to get him to do what
he wanted, but he just couldn't take the chance of them putting this
wounded girl in that thing.
"All right," Tenchi said, standing up and deliberately
looking away from his grandfather, "I'll pilot it."
He missed a single red eye staring at him curiously. 'Is he
doing this for me?' she wondered.
"Tenchi, take this," Washu told him as he handed him
something just before he could get into the entry plug.
"What is it?" Tenchi asked as he twirled it around in his
hands. It looked like a sword hilt, only it was made of wood. It
was smooth to the touch, like it had been worn down from
centuries of contact.
"It's the master key, sort of a religious artifact. You'll need
it to control Unit-01."
"How does it work?"
"Just hold it and think of what you want the Evangelion to
do. The master key will do the rest."
"It's that simple?" Tenchi asked incredulously.
She nodded and said, "Of course it is! I designed it and I
am the greatest scientific genius in the universe!" And then she
laughed in a way that made Tenchi practically jump into the entry
He actually got the huge robot to walk a little before the
angel began its assault. That was when Tenchi realized the big
difference between walking and fighting, or rather taking baby
steps and getting the crap kicked out of you. He blacked out from
the pain as the angel tried to tear Unit-01 to pieces.
When Tenchi regained concousness, he was greeted by a
cheery smile attached to a blonde which he wished wasn't so
familiar. He also wished he had something heavy to knock himself
back unconscious. At least then he could be at peace. His arm and
head still hurt from whatever had happened since his memory of
the actual battle was fuzzy. That thing, angel they called it, had
attacked him. Had he won? He took the fact that he was still alive
as a yes. But he wasn't completely sure. After all, with Mihoshi as
his first sight in waking up he could be in hell.
"Rise and shine, Tenchi-kun. It's time to take you home."
"Home? Where will I be living?"
"Didn't they tell you? You'll be living with me! Won't it
She smiled and giggled a bit.
Tenchi's shout of protest could be heard from a mile away.
"No! This can't be true!" Kiyone pleaded with
Commander Ikari, who, as usual, was sitting with his hands
steepled in from of him, hiding his slight smile. 'Is he on some
kind of drug?' She had begun to wonder. 'He could at least wear a
uniform to work, instead of those old priest robes.'
"There was no mistake in your orders Sub-commander
Kiyone. Effective immediately, you will be moving in with
Mihoshi. While she is useful to us, Mihoshi can be unreliable at
Kiyone mumbled under her breath that that had to be the
understatement of the century as she walked away, but Yosho
ignored it as he had ignored Tenchi when he said the same thing.
He did wonder why people kept saying that around him however.
Tenchi was pleased and surprised to find Mihoshi's
apartment to be neat and well kept, without even a sign of dust or
dirt anywhere. He had guessed Mihoshi to be a slob, but looked
like there was something she could do right. This illusion was
immediately dispelled when he caught a glimpse of her room
through an open door. It looked as if a storm had hit in, a storm
that had a thing for microwave food, pink panties, and empty sake
bottles. It became clear that their other roommate, Sasami, took
care of just about all the domestic chores around the apartment,
whenever she wasn't needed as Washu's assistant. Tenchi was
thankful that the doctor herself lived elsewhere.
Almost immediately after getting home, Mohoshi pulled
out a bottle of sake and started to drink it like it was water. At
least this could be taken as a partial explanation for the way she
acts, Tenchi thought, not knowing whether to feel relived or
"Ah, isn't it a little early for that kind of thing?" he asked
as politely as he could. He knew that some people had sake with
their dinner, but the sensei who he had been staying with for the
past eight years was strictly against any sort of alcohol because it
polluted the body and spirit.
"Its okay, I'm off duty now. Want some?"
Tenchi politely declined. This woman had been made his
legal guardian? Tenchi wouldn't trust her to look after a plant,
much less another human being. Could she cook? It seemed
unlikely. Still, it had to be better than the so called cousine of his
sensei's wife. Thankfully, Mrs. Saotome rarely tried to cook, since
the entire family worked hard to prevent it from happening.
Tenchi looked around the large apartment which was nearly
as big as a house. "So does anyone else live here besides Sasami
"Well, the first child, Aeka Ayanami normally lives here,
but she's going to be in the hospital for another week at least."
"That was the girl with the purple hair and red eyes right?"
Mihoshi nodded. Tenchi noted that she seemed a lot
calmer now, sort of mellow. Almost like a real person. Maybe she
should try drinking before driving. After all, there was no way that
her driving could get any worse.
"She looked like she had been hurt pretty badly. Do you
know what happened to her?"
Mihoshi nodded again and said, "Unit-00 went berserk
during its activation test. She was nearly killed, but Commander
Ikari saved her."
"My grandfather did that?"
"Yep. Burned his hands pretty badly too."
Tenchi silently digested that little nugget of info. It seemed
that despite his cold attitude there was still something left of the
grandfather that he remembered from his younger days.
It was morning in Tokyo-3 which meant at the Masaki
apartment complex that the First and Second Child were fighting
yet again. It was convient for JURAI that the only their personnel
people still lived there. They were, other than the aforementioned
children, the Third child Tenchi Ikari, Major Mihoshi, Dr. Washu '-
chan', her assistant Sasami, and Sub-commander Kiyone. The
other residents hadn't moved out because of the angel attacks.
They just couldn't stand the constant arguments between Aeka
Ayanami and Ryoko Langley or the resulting property damage.
And when they started bickering in their EVAs, Angel attacks
became mild by comparison.
Tenchi would try to resolve things peacefully between the
two, only to be largely ignored even though their arguments tended
to be about him. Mihoshi would try to break them up, Washu
would work on her inventions, Kiyone would scream for quiet, and
Sasami would make breakfast. Somehow it would all be resolved
and the children would go to school while the others either went
back to work or to sleep. Everything would be peaceful until
lunchtime when first and third child would fight yet again. The
occasional angel attacks were actually a more tranquil aspect of
everyone's lives. Tenchi wondered if he could live inside Unit-01's
entry plug since that was the only place he ever felt safe anymore.
And if they sing 'Fly me to the Moon' one more time, he thought, I
am going to scream.
Sync tests had become a daily excerise for Tenchi. When
he had asked why he got tested every day while the other children
only got tested once every week, Washu had explained that it was
because of his EVA going berserk and running without power. He
expected that it was something else, mainly the way she was
always grinning at him and mumbling about trying to get the 'last
"Washu-chan, did you have to design the plug suits to be
Tenchi groaned, "I thought so."
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