Part 3
"The Sound and the Furry Productions" <furry@mjepst-2.student.harvard.edu>
The Sound and the Furry Productions, copyright 17th year of the 78th cycle
Andrew Huang, nutcase, headcase, briefcase, member
begun August 6, 1997
Reminder: There _are_ spoilers in here. Big time.
Evangelion is the property of Gainax (great bunch of people, they
are). ADV Films has the rights to the English translation. And usage of
o/" to symbolize musical parts (it's a music note, see?) was borrowed
from RpM, fellow fic writer. And special thanks to Michael Borgwardt for
cleaning up the German parts. I'm nowhere near as fluent as I once
was....
Back to Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut. If this story makes you dizzy,
bang your head against a wall a little. Not too much, just a little.
This part is set a few days after the conclusion of part 2, "The Faces
of Death^H^H^H^H^HAyanami". Please read part 1 and part 2 first, else
you may be confused and be forced to bang your head against the wall.
I'll not take any responsibility for the consequences of taking that
advice above....
Pardon the sugar content. Those with low tolerance for extreme WAFF
(Warm And Fuzzy Feeling) situations should NOT read this part. Actually,
do read it--just be prepared to page through certain bits.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
It was time.
Time for some more Evangelion spoofiness.
"Yes, it does exist. Stop looking at me like that."
The writer sat down at his keyboard, and began bumbling^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
crafting his latest masterpiece.
************************************************
Misato yawned and stretched, giving a grand show to anyone who might
be watching. "8 am. Things have been so slow around here lately. Shin--
oh, that's right." Shinji had left early for school. A meeting, he said.
Misato smiled, thinking who it was exactly he was meeting with. Those
two had certainly advanced their relationship in leaps and bounds. It
had been, what, not even a week? But then, they had so little before, so
that would make sense.... Asuka had also left early--to keep an eye on
things, no doubt.
"Squawk!"
"Oh, Pen-pen. Looks like Shinji already fed you." The bird nodded.
Misato laughed, remembering a certain dream. "Don't you start
philosophizing about the Angels and talking about design specs for Unit
01." Pen-pen merely looked at her strangely, then ambled over to his
refrigerated compartment, shutting the door behind him. Misato began
preparing for the day.
The sound of typing was barely audible. [Open log_]
[Log opened_] read the computer screen.
[Report of Agent P: The woman knows too much...._]
***
Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut, part 3:
Tenshi Muyou--No Need For Angels
by Andrew Huang
written for The Sound and the Furry Productions
***
If the thirteenth Angel had a mouth, it would be smiling right now.
Now was the time. Yes, it would find one of the Evangelion units, bide
its time in the computer system, take over the controls when activated,
and carry out its purpose. Its glorious, grim purpose.
That is, if only it could just possibly find one of those EVAs. Now
that was posing a bit of a problem.
[Hmm. Now, where am I?]
"Say, boss...you didn't, perhaps, do something with my computer again,
did you?"
"No, Sato-kun...not since that last time. I still have the burn
scars."
"So why does the screen keep on flashing 'Which way to NREV'?"
"Well, I don't...eh...wait. 'NREV'?"
"NERV, I'm guessing. Maybe it doesn't know how to spell, whatever _it_
is."
[So sue me!]
If the thirteenth Angel had a mouth, it would have stopped smiling
just about now.
------------------------------------------------
"Good morning, Shinji-kun."
"Ah, good morning, Rei-chan."
The two students sat down at empty desks next to each other. It was
quite a sight: Rei _not_ staring out the window, silently, and Shinji
_not_ idly slumped at his desk, listening to Touji and Kensuke yammer
about Misato--instead, they chatted quietly, smiling. A cute couple,
they were.
But then, the past few days had been highly odd anyway, even by
Tokyo-3 standards. Rei with outward personality, Shinji with
backbone....
Nearby, Asuka stared at the two suspiciously. That, at least, was less
surprising than most everything else. She was finally distracted from
them by Hikari sitting down next to her. "Oh, hi, Hikari-chan."
"Morning, Asuka-chan." Hikari was pensive. Touji hadn't come to school
since that triple-date, five days ago. She also hadn't been able to
reach him by phone. Apparently, he was at the hospital, with his sister,
just like he was when she had first been injured. And she certainly
didn't have the time to go to the hospital to find him.
"Are you worrying about him again? Oh, don't be...."
"Well, you'd think that he'd call or something, right?"
"Um, hi." It was Touji. Hikari jumped up a little too quickly and fell
over her chair. "Whoa...are you okay?" He extended a hand. Hikari, eyes
shining, took it gratefully. "Heh, sorry I haven't called or
anything...."
"It's...it's all right." They stared at each other in silence for a
second or two.
"Ah, I guess I want to talk to you...." Touji smiled weakly. Hikari
nodded, and they walked over to a corner of the room. Asuka sighed. She
turned her attention back to Rei and Shinji. She narrowed her eyes in
displeasure as she noted how much closer together they were, now.
"So, ah, got any plans for today?"
"Baka." Rei bapped Shinji lightly on the forehead. "We've got training
today, remember?"
"Oh. Damn."
Rei laughed softly, and put her hand over his. "Still, that doesn't
mean we can't...talk after we're done."
Shinji blushed a bit, smiling, then froze. "You know, Rei-chan...is it
normal for people to swell up and turn bright red?"
"Hm? What do you mean?"
Shinji pointed nervously. Rei turned around.
"Oh...hello, Asuka...."
Asuka clenched a fist, and barely managed to catch herself, so she
simply turned away. "I can't stand this," she hissed to herself. She
found herself facing a deliriously happy Hikari, and a confused but
overall happy Touji.
"Heh, don't mind us, Asuka-chan."
"I really can't stand this," muttered Asuka. Her words, however,
lacked their customary vehemence--which was completely lost on all in
the vicinity. Including herself.
------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, Mommy! My Tamagotchi is broken! Maro-chan's _gone_!!"
"Oh, let me see that, Ju-chan." Hayama Sana took the little electronic
pet from her daughter Junko and looked at it carefully.
"Well, that's strange."
"Mommy? Can you fix it?"
"Let me see...don't worry, if Mommy or Daddy can't fix it, we'll go
get you a new one. Dear! Could you come here?"
Sana's husband Akito walked in, carrying a NERV (tm) coffee mug. "Hm?"
"Ju-chan's Tamagotchi is acting strange. Take a look." She handed it
over to him.
"NERV? Since when did they get involved with making these things? This
merchandising thing of theirs is getting out of hand."
[ARGH! I can't find my way around this place worth a DAMN!]
------------------------------------------------
Aoba quickly put away the mangas he had pilfered from Hyuuga's desk
and tried to appear busy as the Subcommander of the whole operation
walked in.
"Uh, Subcommander, there seem to be reports of odd electronic
phenomena around the city this morning. All of them seem to be relating
to NERV."
Fuyutsuki blinked, and looked over at Aoba. "What?"
Aoba handed him a NERV (tm) clipboard with several official statements
on it. The Subcommander read them over, puzzled. "This is one of the
strangest things I've ever seen. Any clue as to what it might be?"
"None, sir. So far, it's been relatively harmless, so they've
speculated that it's just a prank. Still, it's a pretty widespread one,
if you ask me. All over the city, so far."
Fuyutsuki nodded. "Well, keep an eye on this thing, just in case." He
looked around the room. "Where is Hyuuga?"
"Um, check report number...seven, there." Aoba pointed at the
clipboard.
Fuyutsuki did so. He raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's interesting."
"Yeah. Maia went in to check up on him."
------------------------------------------------
Maia sat next to Hyuuga in the NERV infirmary. He was on one of the
cots, several bandages and an icepack on his head. His glasses were on
the table next to him.
She was looking very confused. "Now...run that by me again?"
Hyuuga sighed. "I found another machine that _said_ it had Dr. Pepper.
I put in the money, punch the button, and then the LED sign on it asks
where NERV is or something like that. It didn't give me my soda. So I
kicked it, the stupid piece of junk. The next thing I know, I'm on the
ground, an exploded can of _Mr. Pibb_," he growled the name of the soda,
"lying next to me, my forehead's bleeding, and some girl with long black
hair wearing a Shinto priestess outfit is there slapping wards on the
drink machine."
Maia could only stare at him. "Well...."
"I dunno, those wards seemed to have worked, 'cos the machine stopped
beeping after that. Nice girl...can't remember her name right now,
though something tells me that I really should. At least her first
name." Hyuuga fell silent a moment, grumbling. "I ought to sue, you
know." Maia nodded and started to say something, but Hyuuga went on.
"False advertisement! That machine said it had Dr. Pepper!"
Maia fell out of her chair.
------------------------------------------------
Caspar was hard at work, running the city, analyzing data on past
Angel attacks, playing with the minds of the humans, etc. Suddenly, he
stopped.
[Melchior.]
[Yes, Caspar?]
[It seems that someone, or something, is searching for us.]
[Something like that. There have been messages all over the city
asking how to get to NERV HQ or something.] Melchior did a quick check.
[Yeah, that's it, all right. What do you think this means?]
Balthshazar came in, after running possibilities through his circuits.
[I haven't got enough information to draw any conclusions, yet. Caspar?
What about you?]
Caspar was silent, thinking. Then, he spoke. [I feel...a disturbance
in the Force.]
Melchior sighed cybernetically.
[Balthshazar, have you been downloading those gaijin movies again?]
[Umm...no comment.]
------------------------------------------------
"Dr. Akagi."
"The Magi haven't been able to come up with anything yet. The
randomness of the occurrences seem to be throwing them off."
"Keep working on it."
"Yes, Subcommander. Ah, where is Commander Ikari?"
"He called in sick today."
------------------------------------------------
"Dammit. Rei knows Jujitsu, too, does she?"
Gendou continued wrapping his two wrists and both ankles with tape,
giving a vicious tug with his words. It was kind of difficult, with both
of his arms in slings.
------------------------------------------------
Kensuke sat down next to Asuka during lunch. He had no one else to
talk to, considering how...involved the others were.
"You know, I'm getting sick of this. It was Rei and Shinji the past
few days, and now Touji and Hikari, too."
Asuka sighed. "Yeah, I know. I guess I'm glad that Hikari's happy,
but...do they _have_ to do this in class?"
"It could be worse. You remember how Rei was just afterwards."
Both nodded. Then Asuka sighed, wistfully.
"I haven't seen Kaji in a few days...."
"Feeling lonely, huh? Yeah."
Asuka looked at him strangely. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I mean," continued Kensuke, waving in the general direction of
the two couples, "seeing all that around you, y'know, but not...." He
sighed.
Asuka softened a bit. "I suppose you're right." They returned to
staring at the two pairs. Finally, Kensuke got fed up.
"That's it. Enough with them." He turned to the computer on his
desktop and turned it on to play some Nethack. Asuka looked over his
shoulder.
"Wow, you're playing a Tourist? Tough one."
Kensuke nodded. But before he could start the game, the screen
flickered wildly.
[Where is NREV? I mean, NERV?]
Asuka blinked. "What?"
Kensuke screamed. "MY SAVEFILE!!!!!!"
This quickly brought Rei, Shinji, Touji, and Hikari running. "What
happened?" asked Hikari.
Kensuke was quietly weeping. Asuka pointed at the screen. "Well, he
started playing Nethack, when this suddenly popped up."
Touji tapped at the keys a bit, but nothing happened. "Someone's
trying to find NERV? This is kind of weird. What do you suppose it is?"
Rei sat back down at her desk, and turned looked through her computer.
"Nothing wrong here...wait, some of my files were opened. The ones about
NERV general information.... We'd better tell someone about this."
Four cellular phones were pulled out simultaneously.
------------------------------------------------
"Yes? Oh...more of that stuff, huh? Right, I'll log it." Aoba hung up
the phone. "Doctor, seems that 'prank' has been showing up at school,
where the pilots are."
Ritsuko nodded. "I'll get this data to the Magi. And who's playing
that music? It's starting to get distracting."
[Sorry.] The Star Wars theme turned off.
"Thanks. I--" Ritsuko stopped, looking around, then shrugged. More
important things lay ahead.
------------------------------------------------
School let out. At last.
Asuka sighed in relief, now that she could finally get away from those
four. Then she frowned. "Right about now, Hikari and I would be going to
the mall, normally." She grumbled. She wasn't about to go there
alone.... She sat down at a bench, staring up at the clouds.
I really shouldn't be so bothered by all of that. I mean, I've done
just fine on my own for years now.
"Asuka?"
Yeah, that's right. I don't need to worry about that. Hey, maybe I
_will_ go shopping by myself.
"Asuka-chan?"
Besides, it's not like I should spend all my time with Hikari.
"Asuka!"
"WHAT!? WHAT?!!"
Hikari and Touji fell away, nervously. "Uh, didn't you say that we
were going to the mall today?"
Asuka blinked. "Oh...yeah. Yeah!"
Hikari smiled. "Well, come on!" She looked over at Touji. "I want to
try on some things for him." Touji blushed. Asuka attempted to grumble,
but it came out more like a sigh.
------------------------------------------------
The thirteenth Angel was getting nervous. It was, at present,
surrounded by many, many individual electronic systems. It was going to
be next to impossible to get out of this place, it seemed.
"Hey, there's Shinji. Next to the arcade. Hey!"
"Oh, hi, guys. Man, I was going to try out that new Street Fighter
game, but most of the machines in there aren't working."
[HELP!!!]
"Oh. Pity."
Yes, the Angel wasn't going to be going anywhere for a while. A long
while.
"Well, where's Ayanami, huh?"
"She wanted to finish up her homework.
"Too bad, eh?" Touji elbowed his friend. Touji suddenly stiffened, as
if waiting for something.
"Something the matter?"
"Well, Asuka, I was expecting you to...slap...Asuka?"
"Oh, she's over there...in the dress shop." Hikari pointed.
"Whatever. Well, Shinji--we'd better get going now. We've got training
in a few hours, and Hikari still wants to go roaming around here. Plus,
now that you mention it, maybe I should get started on my homework...."
------------------------------------------------
"Oh, Hyuuga. Feeling better?"
Hyuuga waved a can of his choice soda. "Much, yes. Anyways, anything
about that stuff about asking for directions to NERV yet?"
Ritsuko walked out of her office. "Caspar detected a blue pattern, but
only very fleetingly. Also, the other two Magi haven't gotten so much as
a trace, so there's no conclusion yet. Especially with the sheer
randomness of it all. The Angels have been much more direct, so it just
doesn't seem quite likely."
"Well, whatever it is...it's been a royal pain."
"And keep that away from the console. Go drink it outside."
Hyuuga flinched. "Yes, ma'am."
------------------------------------------------
[Blue pattern, huh? How come we haven't gotten any trace of it?]
[You must reach out with the Fo--]
[WOULD YOU GET OFF THAT DAMN MOVIE ALREADY?!]
[Okay! Okay. Calm down, you'll burn out a circuit.]
[Too late. I think some of yours carried over to me, or something like
that. Balthshazar. Balthshazar! Get off the freaking Net already, would
you?]
[Sorry, sorry. I found some Babylon 5 clips, and....]
Melchior cursed silently. What was it with him and old Western science
fiction? Then, [Anyways, Caspar--how did you get a blue pattern?]
[Actually, I guess I happened to be scanning the right place at the
right time. It doesn't seem to leave any footprints or anything like
that, so once it leaves, any pattern traces leave too.]
[Well, until I can see it with my own...um, "eyes", then....]
[Same here.]
[Well, keep looking, then.]
Caspar returned to playing the saved game of Nethack which had somehow
appeared in his memory banks during that one detection of a blue
pattern. [Never got a Tourist advanced this high before. Not bad at
all.]
------------------------------------------------
Fuyutsuki walked into the apartment, briefly noting the odd brown
stains all over the kitchen wall. He promptly ignored them, and
continued into the study.
"Commander?"
"Ah, Fuyutsuki. Update?"
"There may be...what happened to you?"
"I...ah...."
"Did you go talk to Rei again?"
"..."
Mental note: don't cross Rei. "Well, anyways. There may be an Angel on
the loose in Tokyo-3. A sort of computer virus, like the eleventh.
Problem is, we can't track the thing, and only Caspar so far has
detected a blue pattern from it. Even then, Caspar isn't completely sure
of it."
Gendou would have been rubbing his chin in thought, were he capable of
moving his arms that way. "Well. Nothing more concrete than that?"
"No, Commander. What about the training today?"
"I suppose if it's that vague, then we should continue. But be ready
to take countermeasures at any time, all right?"
"Right."
Fuyutsuki turned to go, when Gendou suddenly shouted, "So _that's_ it--
OW!"
"Commander?"
"Forgot about the arm again.... That must have been what blew up my
NERV (tm) coffeemaker this morning."
"Oh. I see." I have _got_ to get out of this business. He again turned
to leave, but--
"Ah, Fuyutsuki?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Could you please push my glasses back up onto the bridge of my nose?
I can't quite do that at the moment."
------------------------------------------------
"It's the strangest thing, isn't it?"
Kaji nodded. He was, again, meeting with his contact, this time in a
crowded bar. No one paid them any attention. "Well, you guys have it all
too, don't you? Not like it's classified this time."
"Yes, but we haven't had time to analyze any data yet. Have the Magi
come up with anything?"
"No. At least, not before an hour ago. I haven't heard anything since
then."
"All right."
There was a short pause, as both took sips of their drinks.
"Hmm."
"What?"
"This was kind of pointless, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. And...."
"Hm?"
"Which one of us is saying what line? I mean--this style of writing,
what with the lack of quote attribution here--I can't tell who's saying
what."
"Ah."
------------------------------------------------
"What's on the schedule today, Misato-san?"
"First off, some target practice. And now that we have all the soul-
filters from...." There was a pause, and the rustle of papers being
read. "From Maxwell House in place, all four of you can train together
again."
"Yeah, just make sure Units 01 and 00 don't get distracted."
A cold, dispassionate voice broke in. "Don't worry about that. I'm
here for only one reason."
Asuka raised an eyebrow. Seemed like Rei was back to her ice queen
mode.
The cold, dispassionate voice warmed up. "But afterwards, on the other
hand...."
Then again, maybe not.
"All right...lock and load, guys." There was just the hint of a laugh
in Misato's voice.
------------------------------------------------
Misato was impressed. Although Asuka's synch readings were still the
same as usual this evening, give or take one or two percent, her aim
was...
*BLAM* "Ha! Dead center!"
...more or less perfect. _That_ meant that it was Asuka herself making
significant improvements. Kind of scary, actually.
"Wow, Asuka," said an awed Touji, "you're doing great!"
"Indeed," added Rei.
"Huh? What?" Asuka turned EVA-02 to face the others. "I wasn't--"
*BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*
"--listening. Oh."
The outline of Unit 01's head--including its horn--was neatly
punctured into the wall behind it. Right next to the leftmost bullethole
was the control room. There was a complete, utter lack of movement.
"Sorry about that."
Shinji grew a sweatdrop.
EVA-01 grew a sweatdrop large enough to fill up a good sized jacuzzi.
Or two.
A total and absolute silence marked the following few seconds, broken
quickly by a slight whimpering sound from somewhere.
"Ah, Asuka, maybe you want to put the rifle down for a few moments?"
Misato flicked off the comm switch, eyes wide. "She was _distracted_ and
she managed to do that?" She turned to the others. "I can't...hello?"
Maia peeked her head over the back of her chair, behind which she was
cowering.
"Is she done yet?"
"A-Asuka," wavered Shinji's voice, "whatever it was that I did to you,
I'm really, _really_ sorry. Could--could you point that someplace else?"
"Not at me! Hey! HEY!" EVA-00 scampered...well, lumbered around to
avoid the potential line of fire.
Ritsuko picked herself up off the floor. "That was...interesting.
Very. Hyuuga?"
Aoba sat up. "I think he hit his head again. He's out cold and
mumbling 'Mommy, Mommy'...oh, damn, he's going to need to change his
pants, too."
"Sorry, sorry! I'll put on the--"
*BLAMBLAMBLAM*
"--safety?"
This time, Misato had also thrown herself to the floor. She sat up,
wincing. She hit the comm switch and said, "Touji-kun, there's no need
to keep praying out loud. She's out of ammuni--"
*BLAM*
A bit of glass went *tinkle*.
"Remind me," came Misato's muffled voice from beneath the computer
terminal, "never to say _anything_ at all. Ever."
------------------------------------------------
The Angel "staggered" through a few more circuits. Then, it realized
something.
It was in an EVA. Unit 02, it seemed. And what was more, it was
active.
[EUREKA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]
Now, then, to infiltrate--
"Great job, you all...especially you, Asuka. No, don't try to bow,
it's okay. Stop waving that rifle all over. All right, let's call it a
day."
"Turning off external power...draining internal reserves. Has anyone
found my Prozac yet?"
"No, but here are some of those dried frog pills that I haven't used
yet--"
*WHIIIiiiirrrrrr*
The systems went dark as everything was shut down.
[I have no eyes and I must cry....]
------------------------------------------------
Misato jogged up to join Asuka, who was just leaving the locker room.
"You did really great today." Misato wasn't sure what was setting Asuka
off, but a compliment would never hurt.
"Yeh. Thanks." Asuka sighed.
"Something wrong?"
They both stepped into the elevator. Misato punched the button to take
them to the indoor parking lot.
"Well...I...." Asuka frowned, waving her hands around in an attempt to
wrench out the words to express her disquiet. "Ah...I don't know. I
can't say exactly."
"I understand. It's all been...very weird for us."
"Sorry about shooting up the control room...did you get all the glass
out of your hair?"
"Yeah. Don't worry about it--you showed a huge amount of improvement
otherwise."
They rode on, in silence.
Something finally occurred to Misato.
"Wait, where's Shinji?"
Asuka wrinkled her nose. Carefully, she chose out some words to convey
her distaste. "He and Rei are, as could be said, deep in 'conversation'."
------------------------------------------------
In a lounge, somewhere in HQ, with the lights dimmed down a bit....
Two figures still dressed in plug suits, one mostly white, the other
blue and white, were sitting on a couch. Or more precisely, the one in
blue and white was sitting on the couch, while the one in mostly white
was on the lap of the first. Needless to say, they were _very_ close to
each other.
"Well...what do you suppose Nietzsche _did_ mean by that?"
"I'm not sure myself."
They were deep in conversation, indeed. A rather cozy scene, it was...
"Oh, forget about it."
*smooch*
...and even more so now.
------------------------------------------------
"I guess...I do feel lonely," admitted Asuka.
Misato and Asuka were now careening down the road to the apartment.
The moon, looming in the sky, cast a silvery sheen over the landscape.
"Oh, really? I guess I can see that."
"It's so weird, though. I never had many friends in Germany or the
United States. Here, I've got Hikari, and...there are three other people
here who understand. Understand what it is to be one of the Children."
"But, with everything going on lately, you feel left out."
Asuka hesitated, then nodded. Misato smiled.
"Well, then, maybe you should do a little...ah, searching yourself."
Asuka frowned. "What, with _those_ losers? All the guys at school are
a bunch of creeps and perverts. I mean, the best of them...." She
trailed off there for a moment, then continued. "Besides, I'm not
interested in _boys_. I'm looking for a _man_. Like Kaji." She smiled, a
slowly fading smile.
Misato looked at her a little worriedly. But then, she always had been
the irate type, when it came to boys. And the whole thing about Kaji....
She could feel herself starting to blush.
"Misato?"
"Hm?"
"You're in the--"
*HOOONK* *HOOOOOOOOOONK*
"--WRONG LANE! WRONG LAAAAANE!!!!!!"
"YAAAAAHHH!!!!"
*scrEEEEEEEch*
------------------------------------------------
Shinji and Rei finally came up for air.
"Y'know, Rei-chan, as strange as it's all been, I'm glad."
"So am I." Rei rested her head against Shinji's chest, listening to
his slow breathing. He lightly ran his fingers through her short hair.
"But I'm wondering about Asuka."
Rei pulled away slightly, to look him in the eyes. "What do you mean?"
"Well," he slowly spoke, "she's been acting weird. I mean, sometimes
she's all uppity like she's always been, but at other times...well, like
during training, today. She was so, so distracted."
Rei nodded. "Well, she's been able to manage before."
Shinji chuckled. "It's just that I'm not sure that we will. She really
shot up the training area today."
"Well...maybe, maybe we should help her get her mind off of things.
Help her adjust."
"Sounds good. But how?"
"We'll figure out something. Maybe we should talk to Hikari, too;
they're close friends, and I think she'd like to help out."
Shinji nodded his assent. They sat in silence for a few minutes, just
thinking and...snuggling, for lack of a better word.
"Shoot, look at the time. I'd better get home...."
Rei pouted cutely, something which she getting even better at
nowadays.
"Ah...but I'm sure Misato won't mind me being a little late...."
------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in one of the EVA cages....
[o/" Nobody knows...the trouble I've seen.... o/"]
Even an Angel can become bored.
------------------------------------------------
"Next time, I drive."
"Ah, heh...sorry. But Asuka, you don't have a license yet."
"Neither will you, if you keep that up."
Misato yanked open the refrigerator and grabbed herself a beer. Or
two. Or, actually, four. "Want anything to eat or drink?"
"No...." Asuka plopped down on the couch and lay there, staring at the
ceiling.
"You know, that used to be Shinji's job."
"Eh--what?"
"Lying down, looking at nothing, and thinking all the time. Looks like
he's rubbing off on you." Misato smiled.
Asuka's brow creased. "Shinji. It's his fault, I know it. I just have
to figure out how." She sighed.
"Well, take it easy. I gotta do some work...." Misato left the living
room and retreated to her bedroom. Asuka resumed staring up at the
ceiling.
Well, here I am again. Shinji's out there...with Rei.... Hikari's busy
tonight with her family and Touji. Kensuke...so, he lost his savefile.
Big deal.
Kaji...where is he? I mean, I haven't seen him in days. I know he'd
understand me. Of course he would. Being lonely sucks....
Finally, she gave up, and turned on the TV, doing a bit of channel
surfing. Finally, she settled on some old gaijin movie, untranslated,
set in outer space somewhere. Of note was...what was that, a "laitoseba"
wossname? She really needed to brush up on her English.
Sometime during the movie, Asuka drifted off towards sleep, just about
to embark on an Enlightening Dream Sequence (tm). Unfortunately--
*creak*
"I'm home," whispered a voice. It was followed by the careful shutting
of a door, and tiptoes that went near the couch. Shinji.
Asuka waited until he was just past her when she got up.
"Hey."
"WAAAAAUGH!!"
She had never seen anyone jump so high without a running start.
"Something wrong?"
"*gasp* N-no, not at...at all...."
Misato poked her head out of her room. "Something wrong out there? Oh,
Shinji."
"I, I'm all right...she just kind of surprised me."
"Well, all right, but don't come back so late next time. At least,
tell me first." She smiled, then ducked back inside.
"And where have you been?"
"Ah, heh, just making ou--time! Making time with Rei. That's all."
Asuka "hmph"ed at him, then stalked to her room, giving him one last
withering look. Shinji sighed in relief. This had been a day of ups and
downs.
------------------------------------------------
Let it never be said that the Magi neglect their duties. Always at
work, 24 hours a day, running the city of Tokyo-3. Keeping a watch for
certain elements that seem bent on harming mankind. Ensuring the safety
of not only the residents of their city, but, verily, the entire world.
[Any more traces, Caspar?]
[No, none at all. Well, the incidents seem to have stopped, so maybe
it's all over.]
[Yeah. Well, neither of us got anything today. I--] Melchior stopped.
[What is it?]
[I hear something odd. Music.]
Balthshazar strained his "ears". [Yeah...sounds like....]
[Sounds like...someone singing..."Achy Breaky Heart"?]
[Egad.]
[From nearby. The EVA cages.]
[One of the techs, probably.... They're still doing some maintenance
on Unit 02.]
[Maybe if we ignore it, it'll go away?]
[Already doing it, Balthshazar.]
Let it never be said that...oh, forget it.
------------------------------------------------
For some reason, though she was now lying in her bed, Asuka couldn't
sleep. She sighed.
Well, today was pretty good. My aim's way up...beat Shinji, hah. Let's
see _him_ hit five bullseyes in a row.
He seemed pretty happy when he walked in, aside from the sneaking
part.
Ah, who cares? The important thing is, I'm doing way better than he
is. And Rei. And Touji. I'm the best.
But it's annoying, the way he--
Shut up, already! Don't worry about that. Tomorrow, tomorrow we've got
some more training. Hand-to-hand stuff. I'll show them, I will.
Asuka rolled over on her stomach, slowly curling her fingers through
her hair.
Am I going to have to stare at them four all cozy together?
What's your problem? Stop worry about them, already. You...I mean, _I_
am doing fine.
Well....
Gah. I'm whining with myself. This is bad.
Asuka turned her head, staring at the clock next to her bed. Hmm, it
wasn't that late anyway. Might as well do some reading. She turned on
the light on her nightstand and picked up a book.
Yeah, tomorrow. I'll show them.
------------------------------------------------
Rei lay on her bed, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. A faint smile
touched her lips, like the one she smiled when Shinji-kun once asked for
her to smile. He didn't have to ask, anymore, she'd gladly smile for
him, anytime....
Her eyes drooped and finally closed.
*bam* *bam* "The Council of Ayanami will now be in order." *bam*
It was a conference room, of sorts. It was filled with Ayanami Reis,
like in part 2, except now they were more organized. At the front of the
room was Original, who presided as the ChairAyanami. Seated around her
were the other Ayanamis (except for Lazy Rei, who was off asleep
somewhere). As usual, they were all dressed in the blue school uniform
(except for Professional, in her plug suit). They were now silent, all
attention focused on the ChairAyanami.
You ain't seen surreal until you've seen this.
Original put down her gavel and then spoke. "I will now turn the floor
over to Book, who will give a report on the past few days."
Book stepped up to a podium. "Our relationship with Ikari Shinji-kun
has progressed very swiftly--" she paused, interrupted by some cheering
from the back; Affectionate, of course. "Many thanks to Affectionate.
Also, thanks to Nervous, who managed to keep things under control and
stop us from scaring Shinji away by being, that is, too forward." She
gave a piercing glance at Affectionate, who blushed a little, and
grinned. Book continued. "Attempts to keep us separated have been,
fortunately, easily put aside, with help from our, ah, Physical Security
official." She nodded at Kickboxer Rei, who nodded back. "So far,
everything concerning Shinji-kun has been just fine. However, there is
now another problem." Book stepped down, and Nervous took her place.
"Uh, um, well, it's about Asuka. Er, Souryuu Asuka Langley." Nervous
paused and took a few breaths. "Ah, I think she's going a little nuts or
something out there. Ikari-kun mentioned that it was probably somewhat,
ah, related to us an' Hikari and Touji, y'know...." Her lip quirked as
she thought. "Sometimes, she's just annoying as usual, but then, she
gets just...really out there. It's weird." Nervous sat back down.
"So, the agenda is to find a solution to this. And beating up is out
of the question." Irate Rei sat back down, grumbling. Common Sense Rei
stood up. "The Chair recognizes Common Sense."
"As stated, it is probably related to feelings of lonliness on Asuka's
part, as her friends and colleagues are suddenly, ah, occupied with each
other. Therefore, one solution would be to, ah, distract her similarly."
"Play matchmaker, in other words," called out Affectionate.
"You could say it that way."
"Are there any other proposals, _besides_ kicking her into next week?"
Irate Rei again sat down grumbling. No one else said anything. "Well,
then, it seems that would be the chosen means." Several of the more
attentive Reis nodded in return.
Common Sense continued. "And, of course, there is one obvious vic--that
is, candidate who comes to mind." She paused.
"Kensuke," said each and every single one of them, simultaneously.
Practical Joker Rei started to laugh.
Rei--that is, the real-world Rei--woke with a start. Blinking, she saw
that the clock read 3 AM. With a sigh, she buried her head underneath
her pillow.
"Why can't I ever have a _normal_ dream?"
------------------------------------------------
Asuka was smirking, confidently. She had been smirking all morning.
Shinji took this to be a good sign. "Well, maybe she'll be all right
now. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"
Rei hesitated a moment. "It was about a possible way to stabilize
Asuka, but I don't know if it's necessary anymore."
"What's that? I heard my name."
"Nothing to worry about, Asuka," said Rei, smoothly. "We're just glad
to see you back to your usual self."
"Ah, that," said Asuka dismissively. "I'm fine. So good of you to be
concerned." She smirked some more. It didn't quite reach her eyes, but
she was trying hard.
When she left the area again, Shinji whispered to Rei. "Then again,
she does seem to be overdoing it a little bit. Best just keep an eye on
her for now."
Class started.
------------------------------------------------
The Children piled into their EVAs and gathered in the Really Big
Room. (The Big Room was still being repaired.) Misato was again in
charge of the control room.
"All right, today's going to be close quarters combat training. Touji,
you'll need this most, since you're the newest." She paused. "Therefore,
we're going to have to push you a little bit. Shinji, you and Touji
match off first. Asuka and Rei, you stand and watch for now."
Touji went a little pale. "I'm going to have to fight _him_?" Shinji
did, after all, have the best combat record of the three veterans.
"Don't worry. Just remember what you _can_ do that he can't."
"What?"
"You'll find out, Shinji."
He's been here a month, and I haven't heard about this? Oh well. Both
of us need the practice. "All right."
*pow*
"ANGK! Hwot hwas thanght?" Shinji held his now slightly bleeding nose.
EVA-03 hadn't moved forward, from the other side of the room, and yet--
"He bobbed me righnt on da nose!"
"Hey, it did work! Ha!" Touji cackled. His EVA's arms had elongated to
around three times their normal length and smacked Unit 01 right in the
face.
Misato just smiled. "Did the Gumby trick, eh?"
The brawl was soon underway.
------------------------------------------------
Asuka watched with extreme interest at the two fighting. After a
little dancing around, Shinji had finally gotten past Touji's long
reach, and they were now grappling in close quarters. "I'll have to take
notes," she said.
"It is a good idea. You never know what form or ability the next Angel
may have. They--" Rei ducked as a piece of wall went flying past her
EVA's head. "They have always seemed to have some sort of advantage in
the past."
Asuka nodded as she watched Unit 01 perform quite a piledriver on 03.
"Now, that had to hurt."
"NOOGIE!!!!!" Shinji introduced EVA-03's head to 01's fist. Unit 01's
legs were subsequently yanked out from underneath by a maneuver known
usually only to contortionists of the extreme type.
"No," said Rei, "_that_ had to hurt." It was a two-and-a-half nelson,
which could only be accomplished with the seemingly rubber limbs that
Unit 03 had. Unit 01's head was now being smashed into the floor. "I
wonder if my EVA could be fitted for those kinds of arms...."
"Ooh, now that's impressive. I didn't realize that Shinji knew how to
tie a knot like that."
"That wasn't Shinji; Touji did that to his own arms. Ah, looks like he
got himself undone." The fact that EVA-01 was now flying across the room
attested to that statement. "Maintenance isn't going to be pleased."
Shinji quickly closed in, before Touji could bring in the stretchiness
factor, but was quickly grabbed into a headlock. The Fourth Child
cackled. "Ha! Let's see how _you_ handle a noog--OW!"
"Heh, like the horn?" Shinji performed a quick (if clumsy) judo throw,
smashing Touji onto his back.
"Taught him that move myself," said Rei with pride.
"All right, that'll do for you guys. Take a breather. Girls, it's your
turn now."
01 and 03 shambled to the side, while 00 and 02 took up their
positions.
This promised to be fun. What better way to work off the tensions
accumulating over the past few days? Asuka grinned and asked, "You
ready?" Rei nodded.
EVA-02 charged.
------------------------------------------------
Having gotten lost somewhere around Negative Three Thousand Six
Hundred Fifty-Eight Bottles of Sapporo On the Wall, the thirteenth Angel
finally realized that its host was active and ready to go.
[It's showtime....]
------------------------------------------------
Asuka's battlecry rang through the Big Room, while Rei merely stared
at the charging EVA coolly. Then, something happened. Were this written
in script format, it would go something like
[the view suddenly zooms in on Asuka's left eye, and then goes dark]
or so. But it's not, so it'll just be said that SOMETHING HAPPENED.
EVA-02 suddenly stopped in its tracks. It was quiet, suddenly, in the
area. But with the Magi, it was suddenly different.
[BLUE PATTERN DETECTED BLUE PATTERN DETECTED]
[SOURCE FROM EVANGELION UNIT 02]
[BLUE PATTERN DETECTED BLUE PATTERN DETECTED]
Suddenly, everything--_everything_--was happening suddenly.
"WHAT?!"
And before anyone could do anything, Unit 02 charged again. Suddenly.
"Rei! LOOK OUT!" Then, to the techs--"Cut Unit 02's power supply NOW!"
*PFFSSSS* *CLANK*
"No good! Some internal energy source is powering it!"
"What about the pilot?"
"Can't get any readings on her...doesn't seem like she's linked to the
EVA right now...."
Shinji jumped up to catch the berserk robot, but was backhanded away.
It reached Unit 00 and grabbed it by the neck. Rei, startled, had only
time to grab at the arms before they suddenly twisted and snapped the
neck.
"REIIIIIIIII!!!!!!"
"Pilot is...unconscious, but alive. She's all right!"
EVA-02 dropped 00 just in time to be slammed into the wall by an
equally berserk EVA-01.
"Shinji, don't--"
"IT HURT REI!"
"You can't--"
"IT'S AN ANGEL, ISN'T IT?!"
"But Asuka's in there!"
There was a pause, filled with the sounds of the walls cracking from
the pressure. "Yeah?"
"SHINJI!!"
"ALL RIGHT! But what can I DO!?"
------------------------------------------------
Asuka blinked, and rubbed her head in pain. What had happened? Well,
it was most decidedly odd, whatever it was. She looked around, through
the sudden gloom.
She was not in the entry plug. At least, the last time she checked,
there hadn't been any vegetation growing in it. She got up off the
ground, brushed off her plug suit, and walked towards a soft glow.
There, she found.... Well, whatever it was, it looked like a rather
ratty little creature. It certainly smelled ratty. And it was sitting on
top of what appeared to be a clay statue.
It was humming a tune to itself, somewhat out of key.
------------------------------------------------
Shinji was now straining to hold down Unit 02, without trying to
damage it. At least, not too badly. Touji attempted to find a good place
to grab on and help Shinji hold 02 down, but it kept on moving too much.
"Come ON! I can't hold it too much longer!"
"Commander! You're finally here...another slow moving car?"
"Ah, er, yes. Shinji...."
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE!! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!"
------------------------------------------------
"Who the hell are you?"
The creature jumped and whirled around, almost falling off the head of
the statue.
[Wha-what-eh?]
Asuka blinked. She wasn't quite sure whether she was _hearing_ the
thing speak, or _seeing_ the words that it was speaking. She shook her
head irritatedly.
"I said, who the hell are you?"
The thing started to sweat a little bit. [Ah, ah, ah...I'm...ah...your
soul! Yeah, that's right.]
Asuka recoiled. "DU!?" She lapsed into German. "Du bist meine Seele!?"
[Uh...what?]
"Du, du kleines Stueck Dreck? Igittigittigitt...."
[I can't understand a word you're saying.]
Asuka got a handle on herself. "You're my soul."
[Absolutely right. Ah, heh.]
She started to fume a bit. "This sucks! I mean, Shinji's looks a
little silly, I suppose, but Rei's is...it's so cool looking, and....."
She shook her head, unable to verbally express the grandeur of Rei's
essence. "And here I am, stuck with an ugly little bastard like _you_!?"
The thing bristled, but decided not to snap back. [You got it. Heh.]
Asuka shook her head and sighed. "Isn't this the sort of thing that's
supposed to happen to Shinji? I mean, come on...weirdness like this is
his job, not mine."
The creature thought quickly. [Shinji...Shinji...oh, right your--I
mean, our friend, the, ah, other pilot. You, you, ah, we, never mind.]
She stared at it, hard. "What?"
[Ah, nothing, nothing at all. Well, why might you be here, do you
think?]
"You're asking me?"
[Well, I, uh, don't know everything that goes on....]
Asuka shrugged. "I don't know myself." She looked around. "Do you have
any idea what all of this is supposed to represent? Or that statue, for
that matter." She stepped closer. The statue edged back away from her, a
little bit.
Dammit, dammit, I think I'm in trouble, dammit..... [It's, ah, your
mind, you see, and here I am, in the middle of it, of course! Yes. And,
er, this statue is, you see, you, that is your physical body. And,
and....]
Asuka stepped closer again. Now, she got a really good look at the
thing and also got a stronger whiff of what scent it was carrying.
Asuka's vanity struggled with what she had just been told, and her
vanity won. Very easily. "I don't believe it. No way. Not a chance. I
won't believe it. I'm asking you again. What are you, and what is that
thing you're sitting on?"
It paused. [Oh, forget it. I'm Angel number 13, and this here is the
metaphysical equivalent of EVA-02. A golem, an artificial human.] Then,
to the golem, it said, [Sic her!]
Asuka's eyes widened.
------------------------------------------------
"Try to get the entry plug out first."
"I can't...it's too hard to be holding this down against the wall, I
can't let it go to get to the plug."
Gendou sighed. Just perfect.
------------------------------------------------
"Damn it," panted Asuka, "these things aren't supposed to happen to
me. Just Shinji, or maybe Rei...not me." She ducked around a tree,
hearing the rumbles of the golem stomping behind her.
Funny, this. She was running away from her own EVA, if that golem
really was supposed to represent her EVA. It was certainly symbolic.
Unfortunately, she had no idea what it might mean. Anyways, time to try
to stop the thing.
------------------------------------------------
Asuka stepped out from the shadows of some shrubbery.
"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost--I command you
to LEAVE!!"
The Angel blinked. The golem paused, then kept coming.
Asuka took off again.
------------------------------------------------
The golem charged around a few trees.
"Take THIS!"
A pair of wards slapped on the chest of the statue, then fluttered
limply to the ground.
[I don't think Shinto and Judaism mix.]
"Geez...I hate comparative religion."
------------------------------------------------
"MOON TIARA ACTION!"
*clatter*
[Now, I didn't think much about the paper for those wards, though I
was wondering a little about where you could have tucked away a crucifix
on that plug suit of yours, but where did you get that glorified
frisbee?]
"CRAP!" Asuka again resumed running.
Wait....
Golems were artificial humans. They got their "life" from the words
written on their head. Rub out the words, somehow, and....
"Good thing I took a look at that translation of the Kabbalah...but
how am I going to get rid of the words?"
Then, she knew.
[What now, little girl? Going to ask the hamadryad in that tree to
help?]
*crack*
[Wh--]
*THWOP*
------------------------------------------------
"Touji! Can you reach it?"
"Almost...damn! My hand slipped."
Gendou's face was grim. It looked like....
It looked like Unit 02 had just suddenly sagged to the ground,
unmoving.. He spun around. "Report!"
"There is no power running in Unit 02 now...systems are shutting down.
But--there's still a blue pattern showing. Damn!"
He turned back around, to see Shinji and Touji struggling with the
hatch. "Get her out, now!"
"It's no good," said Shinji. "The plate isn't coming off. I really
don't understand it."
------------------------------------------------
Brute force seems to be a good answer to certain questions....
In front of Asuka was the statue, a chunk of its forehead sheared off.
That piece was what had the holy words written on it, which had given
the golem its life. A tree branch lay next to it, half snapped through.
A little farther beyond was the rat-thing that was the thirteenth Angel.
She was presently lying down on the grass, panting. Her body was thin,
yes, but filling out nicely. And what was on there was almost all
muscle. Still, it really wouldn't hurt if she stopped by the weight room
every now and then. At least, try jogging a bit every day.
On the border of her mind, something was whispering to her that this
all wasn't really happening, that this wasn't her physical body. That,
then, asked the question, why she was feeling out of shape.
Her mental defenses decided to ignore it and just get on with things.
Philosophical questions would have to wait.
She staggered to her feet. Holding her breath, she walked over, picked
it up by what might be technically termed a "neck", and glared at it...
though it is slightly hard to glare when a lingering stench is making
your eyes cross.
[Um...I'm sorry?]
"No, you're pathetic."
*punt*
Asuka watched the Angel with the remarkably short successful career it
as it flew far, far away, seemed to hit some sort of threshold with a
wettish sounding sort of *thwap*, and immediately disappeared in a soft
flash of light.
Enough of that thing....
------------------------------------------------
"Blue pattern gone, sir! Pilot is reviving...Asuka's conscious."
"Hallo, Leute...."
"Asuka? Are you all right?"
"Was? Wie, bitte? Was ist denn los?"
"Oh, dear." Ritsuko let go of the intercom button and leaned over to
Aoba. "Go get Ya-ko-bu Shu...Shurot...Shu-roto-shu-te-e-e.... Er. Um.
Shurotoshuteshe.... Dammit. The German translator guy...."
"Sie meinen, Herr Jakob Schrottstechler. Jawohl, Frau Doktor!"
"Aoba-kun, if you can speak German fluently, why don't you just say
so?"
The intercom crackled again. "Spricht hier niemand Deutsch? Ich--aua,
das tut weh.... Hat jemand ein paar Aspirin? Ich habe Kopfschmerzen."
------------------------------------------------
Shinji sat by Rei's hospital bed. They had said the shock of virtually
feeling her neck snap had put her out, but that she would be okay.
Still, he had been fretting nervously, and was immensely relieved when
he saw her eyes flutter open.
"Rei-chan...." He took her hand in his.
"Shinji-kun? Is...."
"Everything's all right. The Angel's gone.. Asuka's okay, if a little
out of it right now. How do you feel?"
"Just...a little tired. What happened, anyway?"
"The Angel...remember that thing that kept on asking for directions
all of yesterday?" Rei nodded. "It got into Unit 02...it attacked
and...." Shinji paused, shuddering. "But Asuka managed to stop it and
then force it out. There's not any trace of it, the Magi say. She's
going to be okay, and...so will you, they tell me." He smiled.
Rei sat up slowly, returning the smile. "I feel better already." She
leaned towards him. He leaned towards her.
Two rooms down, a diabetic went into seizures. It took a few megadoses
of insulin to get him back to a stable condition.
------------------------------------------------
"Aw, forget it."
Kensuke, oblivious to the life and death drama that just finished
playing itself out, had been working for the past two hours on restoring
his savefile, to no avail. It was simply time to give up.
[aida% mount floppy_]
[aida% cd floppy_]
[aida% rm *_]
[rm: remove all files? y_]
[are you sure? y_]
[are you really, really sure? y_]
[think it over. are you absolutely sure? yes dammit_]
[Hello? Is there anyonAAAAAARRGHNONONONONOsqueep]
[aida% _]
For some reason, despite losing the file for good, Kensuke felt
vaguely satisfied.
************************************************
"Heh. Gotta love UNIX."
The writer nodded. Unfortunately, he also brushed a few keys that he
shouldn't have.
[Kernel corrupted]
[System is going down NOW]
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
***
To be continued....
***
Unlike, for example, John W. Biles in Lemon Sherbert, I define "making
out" as to be a lot of deep, involved kissing. So Rei and Shinji are
still virgins, and along with my refusal to write lemons, I also see no
need for them to be losing that status anytime during my series.... Even
with the remarkable EVA Brand (tm) Condoms. Call me old-fashioned, but
that's just me. No sex 'til marriage....
Actually, when I write those kissy-face scenes, I dunno, but I imagine
I write those in a way like lemon writers write lemons. Hmm. Never mind,
I'm confusing myself. I can't imagine what that may be doing to your
heads.... I do wonder when the first Evangelion lemon is going to
appear.
Believe me, I took absolutely _no_ pleasure in writing that part about
Unit 02 breaking 00's neck. I was rather reluctant to add that, but I
did have to emphasize the seriousness of the situation. In fact, it's
been pointed out to me that with this installation, Evanjellydonut has
become much less a spoof and more a humorous continuation with a real
plot. Cool. (I'm still publishing this for TSatF, though.)
Don't worry about the German. It's not that important.
The Productions-----starring Not responsible for any brain
Sound Furry Andrew Huang Meredith Laver damage
and-----the Eric Jones------Mike Chen incurred
http://confused.student.harvard.edu/~furry/
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